Relationship Concerns & Insecure Attachment
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What insecure attachment looks like and why people develop it
You might have insecure attachment if you:
-Push people away
-Build walls
-Struggle to be vulnerable and trust people
-Try to control people
-Feel lonely
-Fear abandonment
Insecure attachment refers to unhealthy ways of relating to others that typically develop early in life - often in response to inconsistent, unavailable, or overwhelming caregiving - and can shape how we connect in adult relationships.
We are hardwired to lean on others when we are upset but some experiences may contribute to forming insecure attachment and hinder our ability to connect with others leaving us lonely and isolated:
-Physical, emotional and sexual abuse
-Unpredictable and inconsistent behavior of caregivers during childhood (one day they are there for you, another day they yell at you or ignore you)
-Emotional needs not being met growing up
-Betrayals by friends and loved ones
-Abandonment by a parent
Types of insecure attachment
There are several types of insecure attachment:
-preoccupied (anxious)
-avoidant
-disorganized.
People with preoccupied (anxious) attachment may crave intimacy but fear rejection and abandonment, often feeling unsure of where they stand with others. They often seek reassurance and try to please their partner often even at the cost of losing themselves and giving up their boundaries.
People with avoidant attachment may feel uncomfortable with closeness and prefer emotional distance. They may withdraw, push people away, have difficulties with expressing emotions and being vulnerable.
People with disorganized attachment can involve a mix of both - craving connection while simultaneously fearing it. They may have a persistent “push-pull” pattern in relationships when closeness is following by forced distance. This pattern can be very “addicting” but also exhausting and troubling.
It is tragic when you consistently feel lonely despite being with others. But there is a way to develop secure attachment!
Secure attachment
Secure attachment is considered the healthiest and most balanced attachment style. It forms when a child experiences consistent, responsive, and nurturing care from primary caregivers. This early emotional safety fosters trust, confidence, and a positive sense of self - foundations that carry into adult relationships.
People with secure attachment:
-Feel comfortable and secure in emotionally intimate relationships
-Are able to lean on others and ask for help when needed
-Have healthy boundaries
-Are generally comfortable expressing their needs and feelings and are receptive to those of others
-Trust others appropriately
-Have a good sense of self-worth and feel lovable
People with secure attachment often build strong, lasting relationships marked by mutual respect, open communication, and emotional support. They’re capable of giving and receiving love without overwhelming fear or avoidance.
Changing attachment style
Developing secure attachment is possible!
Therapy helps clients:
Explore early relationships and how they shaped current attachment behaviors
Identify triggers, fears, and relational patterns (e.g., withdrawing, clinging, mistrusting)
Learn emotional regulation skills
Practice vulnerability and boundaries
Developing Secure Relationships Outside of Therapy
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